Common (and Misplaced) Fears Surrounding Marriage Counselling
There are plenty of dreaded phrases that might come up during a long-term marriage or relationship, one of which is “I think we need to go to marriage counselling.” For many, such words are essentially a death knell for a marriage and a precursor to separation and divorce. Even in the majority of cases where that isn’t true, there is great hesitancy about any kind of therapy, but especially couples counselling.
This hesitancy is governed by a series of fears, which while broadly speaking are quite understandable, but are otherwise misplaced. It doesn’t matter if you want to get marriage counselling services in Perth or another major city, or if you’re in a smaller community, the fears run deep.
Fear of Judgement
This is the top thing couples fear the most, or at least one member of the couple. We are deathly afraid of airing our troubles in public, even if that “public” is one professional and accredited counsellor with years of experience in a very quiet and private office where no one else will ever hear of it. Even that is “too public” for most of us, and we are afraid the counsellor is just sitting there judging one or both of us as “problematic” or “the bad actor” in the relationship.
Marriage counsellors are discreet professionals who deal with sensitive information every day. Their entire reputation is built on not being judgmental, not sharing what they’ve heard and providing a safe space for good communication.
Fear that the Counsellor will Advise a Breakup
There’s one particular fear, especially among men in male-female relationships, that the counsellor may advise the woman to leave the man. There is a fear or at least a perception that a counsellor --- especially a female one --- may be automatically biased towards the woman in the relationship and thus the man will be painted as a villain. It’s an irrational fear, of course, but it does preveal among men.
The perception is further fuelled by government statistics showing that 79.7 percent of psychologists in 2019 were women. Being consummate professionals, of course, their gender doesn’t matter, but it can still create these same irrational fears in some potential participants.
Fear that Therapists will Make Us Do Embarrassing Activities
TV and movies paint a picture of quirky and wacky therapists who ask their clients to complete bizarre “homework” assignments like keeping diaries on their sexual fantasies, or “confessing” things that they did wrong during the relationship. It could be some kind of strange role-playing or acting to be done during the session, or perhaps a strange vocabulary therapy asks them to use when talking about their feelings...the list goes on.
While there may be some activities to do during a therapy session, a good counsellor will explain and convince their clients of its value and function before they even begin. If a couple really has a problem with it, they can try an alternative approach. In any event, there’s no recourse to fear it.
Fear of Creating an Environment in Which to Fight
Some couples fear marriage counselling because they are petrified of what will be brought up. Many couples walk on eggshells around each other when it comes to certain topics, but the counselling session is about openness, honesty and frank, constructive dialogue. That being so, there can be little room for euphemism or evasiveness. This can make people supremely uncomfortable, and couples fear they will just spend the whole time fighting.
The reality of this fear is hard to deny. It’s not irrational like the other fears mentioned above. However, an experienced counsellor knows well how to avoid those outcomes and construct a useful and productive session where conflict and fighting can be avoided.
